My heart is especially sensitive today as I sit at my computer about to give out some of the very best knowledge that I have learned over the 42 years and 54 days of my marriage to my most precious, special, and loving Jany. Ours was a story-book marriage, a fairy-tale type union that continues to live on in my mind and life.  I so loved this incredible woman.  She was my reason for existence.  I have been without her now for slightly over two years since she went home to be with Jesus.  I know I will see her again, and that fact is so comforting, but it still hurts so deeply to live by myself.  Cancer is a brutally fierce and deadly destructive disease, I wouldn’t wish her back to have to endure and battle for life as she so valiantly fought for over five long years.  I still miss her so very much….all the way to the bone,… I do so miss her.

As I travel around the country and interact with other men and women both married and single, I sadly see so much disrespect that couples have for each other.  I see such bad social manners, skills, and graces exhibited by them to and for each other’s detriment.  It breaks my heart to watch a couple who has stood before God and witnesses and took/gave the marriage covenant vows…“to have and to hold from this day forward, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in good health,…till death do us part”…and then see them behave so poorly toward each other; to act so terribly toward the number one person in all the world whom they personally chose to be their own mate.

What happened?  How could such closeness, togetherness, and desirability go so wrong?  I see men and women who couldn’t get close enough to each other only a few days or weeks earlier (during the month before and the month after their wedding day),….who now can hardly stand to be close to each other, to touch each other, to hold hands or share affection be it publicly or privately……what in the world went wrong?

Let us, as we always need to do, refer to God’s Word, the Holy Bible, for advice and guidance to answer life’s most difficult questions.  God tells us exactly how we are to live……married or single.  He lays it all out in the Book of Ephesians, Chapter 5, versus 1-2, NKJV:

Walk In Love

(1)  “Therefore be imitators of God as dear children.

(2)   And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given
        Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-
        smelling aroma.”

Permit me to ask you very personally….Are you living your life in that fashion and as it relates as to how you conduct yourself with your spouse on a daily basis,….privately as well as publicly?

Whenever I get the chance (for whatever reason) to get around a soon-to- be-married couple I always like to ask the bubbling bride-to-be a special question:

“Missy,…please tell me all about your future husband?”  Such a loaded question guarantees at least a 10 minute answer.

The bride-to-be’s eyes always light up, and she begins to pour out  enthusiastically all kinds of unqualified praise and laudable comments about her “Tarzan.”  Her excited words of response usually go something like this: “Oh I so appreciate this about him,…and he is so good at that,… and he is so wonderfully thoughtful in this area.  His words are always soft and loving….and there is no one alive who is better at treating me so kindly and with so much respect.  His love for me apparently knows no bounds.”

On the contrary, whenever I get a chance (for whatever reason) to get around a small group of experienced wives I always like to ask the question:

“Ladies, please tell me all about your husbands?”  The response is never as enjoyable as that of a soon-to-be-bride.  The married-a-while wives responses usually go something like this:

“He doesn’t do this.  He never does that.  He hardly notices me anymore.  He seems to be the first to criticize.  He doesn’t give me any type of encouragement.  The romance of our marriage is almost nonexistent.  He never just holds me in his arms and talks to me.  He wouldn’t know how to spell ‘spiritual leader,’ much less act like one.”

After either one of these group responses, I always have to get by myself and ask the obvious question……“Where is the bridge that leads a woman to stop defining a man by what he “is” and start defining him be what he “is not?”……The very same question could well be posed in the opposite direction and be asked to a man about a woman.

In either direction the sad and sorrowful answer to this question is unfortunately one word… “marriage.”

All of our hopes, expectations, dreams, and ideals get poured into this very real relationship of a man with his wife.  But because we all marry a real sinner, each day that dawns always brings with it a new and very often legitimate hurt or disappointment.  As time progresses, we stop seeing, noticing, and admiring those attributes of our spouse that originally attracted them to us, and instead become consumed by their conduct of what disappoints us.

Before your marriage, your eyes are filled with the glory of the person you had selected to spend the rest of your life with, but later, your eyes get filled only with their personal shortcomings.  Your perspective seems to have totally changed.  Why so?  Are you guilty of taking your spouse for granted?  Are you guilty of forgetting what you vowed to God and man that you would do as regards your mate?

Please allow me to share a story I recently read about a precious woman who decided to marry a man who was severely disabled as a result of being injured in a work related fire.  While this man could certainly offer emotional, relational, and spiritual support, he obviously would lack lots of other things and abilities a woman would normally be seeking or desiring.  This woman, a soon-to-be-bride very wisely went to her pastor and sought out his advice for her situation.  The wise clergyman replied, “Ask yourself what a blind man with no arms and only one leg cannot do for himself, much less for you.”

I would have to personally interject at this point that you, the reader, do this same exercise as it relates to yourself….as it relates to your own spouse.  Ask yourself the question….. “What is it that my husband is not?”………..ask yourself the question “How does my wife disappoint me?”  Both the husband and wife should ask themselves…. “ what does my spouse say or not say and do or fail to do that does not live up to my highest ideals?”  Be honest and open and address the answers forthrightly.

If nothing changes in your own heart and mind, then nothing will ever change in your life.

You see dear friends, you must come to grips with the truth that you are never going to change your own spouse.  The fact is that the only person who you have the ability to change is yourself. 

Every day millions of couples wake up and evaluate their marriage by asking themselves, “Am I happier today than I was yesterday?”  I totally disagree with this approach…with this question.  I believe the much better question to ask is “How can I better love my spouse today than I did yesterday?” or “How can I better serve and care for my spouse today than I did yesterday?”

Listen carefully now…..You and I are called to love our wife like nobody has and nobody ever will love her.  That’s It Period !!!

We are called to be the one person so devoted to her overall good that we commit ourselves to being there on her behalf, regardless of any disappointments, faults, or failures.  We are to do this so that on the day that we die, while our wives may well remember the many bad habits we carried with us to our graves , they might still be able to say….“But you know what?…..That man loved me like I’ve never been loved; I can’t even imagine ever being loved like that again this side of heaven.”

You see dear friend, if your wife will one day be able to say those words, just as I have listed them, because they accurately described the manner and way that you did love her, then…you sir, will know with all confidence and assurance that you definitely succeeded at this Holy Institution of marriage.  

It won’t be about dying happier than other men; it will be all about whether you truly did totally love your own wife.

So here comes the real question–actually it is more of a prayer.  Instead of waking up and asking yourself, “Am I happier today than I was yesterday?”  How about praying this prayer…..“ Lord how can I love my spouse today like she [or he] has never been or ever will be loved?”   

I will tell you that that is a prayer Almighty God loves to answer in very wonderful and practical ways.  He always delights in loving His children, and He searches the earth to and fro to find someone willing to be his agent of change who will fulfill this quest.

Just take a moment and imagine how your own marriage might change if, ….before your husband or wife returned home from work this very evening, you….yes you…spent some time asking God–and listening for His response— “Lord, how can I love him [or her] today like he [or she] has never been loved before?”

You might well be surprised that the answer may be quite simple and practical like:  Take over a chore…do the laundry…speak a word of encouragement…you initiate and give the other a big and long lasting hug and kiss and say thank you for working so hard to help support and provide for this family…take care of something that needs fixing.  Or it may be romantic, or even over-the-top creative, or generous, or just a very simple few words like “Thank You,” or “I love you,” or I need you,” or “I am so very glad and thankful that I married you.”

Ask God to help you determine what you should say or do.  I suggest that you partner up with Him so as to build up and encourage and edify the person with whom you have chosen to spend the rest of your life.  Never allow one day to pass without telling, in strong comforting and reassuring terms, your spouse how much you love and care for them and just how very much they personally mean to you.  Lots and lots of kisses and touches are also very good ingredients to this recipe for continual love.

You ask:

“How can I love my spouse today like he [or she] has never been or ever will be loved?”

When we focus on what we can do, it’s amazing how little time we have left to become consumed by our disappointments. 

This discussion has brought back lots of fond and loving memories of exactly how Jan and I loved each other.  I tell you the truth, with tears streaming down my face, take the time now while you have it to bless and love and care for the one you chose above all others for your lifetime soul mate.  Do it now and everyday hereafter….while you are both still here…together.   Love one another out of reverence for God.  Love one another just like Christ loved the church!

Have a Great Forever!………………

 

Sample of Marriage Section